Still Adrift

     I haven't updated in a while. I don't really ever expect this blog to be successful. I'd be genuinely surprised if one person finds it and interacts or comments on a post. I mainly did it to document my journey with self-teaching. I'm pretty sure that I'm not learning effectively. A fear is growing in me that I've just been wasting my time. There's no obvious benefit or growth from the efforts that I have been putting in. Then again, it has only been about a month.

    One of the biggest problems I have with learning is self-doubt. I doubt my capacity to learn, process, and retain information on certain subjects. This usually causes me to give up on learning that specific subject. I have an issue of spiraling when it comes to being confronted with concepts I find difficult to grasp. The self-doubt is also accompanied by the belief that I may just be wasting my time. The thing that has been holding me back the most is the fact that, in the moment, I can't be sure that I'm not.

    I'm unsure if this is the case for everybody, but for me growth has always been gradual. When you try to gauge how've much you've grown or learned in the moment with no aid of reference, the positive change feels imperceptible. At worst, it feels virtually non-existent. That's why I have decided to start this blog: to record my growth on the journey of becoming an auto-didact in whatever subject I decide to focus in.

    Not focusing on a specific subject or on a specific goal when it comes to learning also wounds my drive to continue learning. What are the merits of knowledge if it cannot be applied for the betterment of your circumstances? The application of knowledge is also one of the ways of integrating it. I'm at a lost on how to currently apply the knowledge that I am gaining. I hope that my reading actually holds some merit. I hope I'm not trying to sow seeds on barren land.

    The main thing I've been learning from reading and note-taking is how to process information. I haven't really been using the information critically or even applying it to anything, but learning how to process information is better than nothing.

    I finished the book Medical Apartheid by Harriet A. Washington. It's made me weary of the American Medical System. Many of the atrocious experiment on uninformed and non-consenting individuals did not even happen that long ago. It has also made me critical of the way history is the recorded. An African proverb is quoted in the book that sticks with me. I don't know it verbatim, but I think it goes "Don't let the lion tell the gazelle's story." There are many perspectives and accounts of history, not all of them told and some purposely destroyed or omitted. The book has also taught me a plethora of new words, most I'll surely forget. Washington has a very hardy vocabulary, but thankfully I could somewhat follow what was being expressed.

    I've also been reading the Blogging for Dummies book. All I've learned so far is that there is a lot more to blogging than I initially thought. The idea of cultivating a sense of community online appeals to me greatly. I just hope I'll be able to keep my anonymity while doing it. I think as I read along I'll try to do more to make this blog more presentable. Possibly even find ways to make it engaging for anyone who might wind up reading the drivel I write. I'm not sure if I'd ever attempt to go professional as a blogger though. It seems really involved, and I'm not sure if I could consistently generate quality content enough to captivate an audience. I can't predict the future though, so who know? Maybe I will.

    The Calculus book has been confusing for me. They've been using proofs for derivative rules I didn't even think possible. I'm not entirely sure if the moves made to prove the rules are entirely legal, but I don't know enough about math to be sure. The narrative structure to explain Calculus concepts annoys me a bit, but I've been finding it less difficult to at least begin to understand what is being said. I haven't been doing to bad on the practice problems as well.

    I've picked up another book at random in the library the last weekend. It's a historical retelling about polar exploration through aviation. I honestly don't know what the hell I'm going to get out of this book but I hope it's something. Even if it's just me realizing I hate reading historical books.